I would like to thank Karthika Suresh for her efforts in proof reading this article and for her valuable suggestions.
Foreword
Like most people, I have had my own fair share of confusions regarding the concept of romantic love. The voyage began in teenage years, and I'm still on the ship, exploring. The more I see the "cape of relationships", I am convinced of two things: There is no perfect "soul mate" and There are no perfectly stable relationships. Long lasting relationships takes lot of hard work, wisdom and awareness. Having been through relationships of many kinds, it gives me a little edge to share the valuable lessons I have learned over the years.
In the first of these series of posts, I would like to talk about how to handle a breakup. Well, these are just a compendium of ideas that I have read, heard, tried and invented to get through the difficult phase of a relationship breakup.
Knowing that the storm is approaching
Very rarely does it happen that a relationship fails because of one major event. Usually a series of events, piled up over each other comes crashing down one bright day. This happens because of lack of communication between the partners. But there might be many reasons for a relationship to end. Too much expectations with too little commitment, difference in expectations, immaturity of characters involved, selfish motives, lack of acceptance of responsibilities, difference in core values, lack of ability to adjust etc are few to name. But picking up the cues of an incoming breakup would put you in a better position to handle the storm.
Every time a fight comes up, introspect how your partner reacts to the fight. If he/she is unwilling to discuss things out and passes comments like " I am tired of this. This is not going to work. Why do you always want to bring up fights" etc, then be more than sure that your partner has waved the first red flag. Observe how frequent the fights are. If they are too frequent and revolves around a single issue in various flavor, then remember that you are fighting a loosing battle until you sit down and discuss the issue out and make an unanimous decision. If your fights are for silly issues, then be sure you are with a mentally unstable person and its time to reconsider your choice. Develop an ability to objectively evaluate the clues about the health of a relationship. Talking about it to a close friend of yours will enable you to avail a third person's perspective of the issue and can help a lot. It is easier to get clouded by the "romance" and be blinded to the coming storm of a breakup. But wisdom is in evaluating your situations and being proactive.
The last fight- How to discuss things out
Most of the times, there would be a last major issue that brings us to the climax of the affairs. The idea of " I want to end this relationship" forms the central theme at this stage. I must emphasize that if faced with this stage, your hopes of regaining the relationship must be as small as 1%. This is the phase when the other person is "tired of being with you" for whatever reasons they find appropriate. If they were unwilling to discuss issues out much before, its foolish to expect them to do so in this final phase. But, this gives you a golden chance: To put things on the table and identify the mistakes from your part. For the sake of your peace of mind and to settle things once and for all, ask the other person to list the reasons why they want to quit the relationship. This is your right. Only a selfish individual would state reasons like " I am not comfortable in it, I can't bear you anymore, you just keep hurting me" for their pulling out. If they do have a list of genuine reasons which on a little thought you find valid, then take note of them.
After you are convinced of your mistakes, you can suggest ways you would work on improving them if they are willing to give a second chance to the relationship. Remember not to propose unreasonable solutions to win your partner back. In the long run you would have the worst regret of all: not being true to yourself. If the other person is unwilling to give you a second chance even after you are willing to correct your mistakes, then assure yourself that all their statements about how much they valued you were as hollow as their ability to accept mistakes of another human being. Such partners would be a disaster in your life because they are incapable of seeing the greater commitment of a relationship and work through problems and prefer quitting the scene when things get mushy.
My friend once told me " If she is the one, she'l listen!". Since I don't believe in "the one" concept, I would rather adapt it as " If she values me and wants to be with me, she'l listen".
If the other person is willing to forgive you and is willing to take effort of discussing your problems in spite of the hurt that both have gone through, then he/she may be that one in a million gem of a person who has the maturity to understand the nature of relationships and the strength to forgive and accept. Have no second thoughts; this is the person who deserves all your best efforts to be their ideal partner.
The responsibility of failure of a relationship lies equally on both partners. Its never an angle-demon issue. Your partners' actions would have equally hurt you during the course of your relationship. During the process of discussion, be sure to communicate what exactly hurt you about your partners actions. Under no circumstance should you leave the scene without asserting your view points. Remember that there is a difference in being frank and being rude. Be kind during this process. If your partner blames you for everything and you convince yourself that everything was your fault, the regret that will lingers on will be eternally destructive. Save yourself some dignity and focus on the good things that you did in the relationship. Be happy that at least you were not the one who "gave up" on the relationship. Feel proud that you had the courage to accept your mistakes and promise on working them. You just qualified to be that one in a million gem of a person!
How to let it go gracefully
If your partner is unwilling to conduct a discussion and resolve the problem, then its time to pack your stuff in the suitcase of self esteem and board the bus of dignity and wave a hand of kindness as you leave. The first thing that you must realize is that what is over is over. Let this truth sink in. It might almost kill you to know that a person whom you trusted so deeply has left you mid way. You must have built dreams and aspirations together. All the good times might come flashing by. You might feel the fit of rage, disappointment, heartache,confusion, cheated and all forms of negative emotions. Understand that these are natural feelings and with effort can be handled well.
Here are some of the immediate things you must do to keep your sanity from slipping.
This is not the end of your life
We all have a central theme to our life. A theme is that which we derive contentment and happiness from. It is what we wish we would be remembered for long after we are dead and buried. It could be an ideal like love, integrity, altruism etc or it could be a talent in science, arts, writing, travelling, singing, playing an instrument, painting, making movies or anything that give us that expressible joy in our hearts. I have come to belief that as a human being, the only lasting form of happiness is in pursuit of this theme and that the only person who is going to love you unconditionally, trust you more than anyone else, be with you through all your troubles is you. This realization is the beginning of an indestructible inner strength.
I recollect a particular quote by Will smith:
Remember that there is no "soul mate" out there who is going to complete your life. There are going to be a lot of people as confused as you, struggling with or without the awareness of their own imperfections who are going to take part in your life. Your purpose is to have enough strength to love them unconditionally and help them discover themselves.
Be the ideal that you search for. Be someone's perfect partner.
Smile...Let your life begin.
Author's note: You have a some valuable points that I missed out? Go ahead and share below.
Want to comment about my writing? Leave some here or mail me directly at
sangeethsimon2@gmail.com
Foreword
Like most people, I have had my own fair share of confusions regarding the concept of romantic love. The voyage began in teenage years, and I'm still on the ship, exploring. The more I see the "cape of relationships", I am convinced of two things: There is no perfect "soul mate" and There are no perfectly stable relationships. Long lasting relationships takes lot of hard work, wisdom and awareness. Having been through relationships of many kinds, it gives me a little edge to share the valuable lessons I have learned over the years.
In the first of these series of posts, I would like to talk about how to handle a breakup. Well, these are just a compendium of ideas that I have read, heard, tried and invented to get through the difficult phase of a relationship breakup.
Knowing that the storm is approaching
Very rarely does it happen that a relationship fails because of one major event. Usually a series of events, piled up over each other comes crashing down one bright day. This happens because of lack of communication between the partners. But there might be many reasons for a relationship to end. Too much expectations with too little commitment, difference in expectations, immaturity of characters involved, selfish motives, lack of acceptance of responsibilities, difference in core values, lack of ability to adjust etc are few to name. But picking up the cues of an incoming breakup would put you in a better position to handle the storm.
Every time a fight comes up, introspect how your partner reacts to the fight. If he/she is unwilling to discuss things out and passes comments like " I am tired of this. This is not going to work. Why do you always want to bring up fights" etc, then be more than sure that your partner has waved the first red flag. Observe how frequent the fights are. If they are too frequent and revolves around a single issue in various flavor, then remember that you are fighting a loosing battle until you sit down and discuss the issue out and make an unanimous decision. If your fights are for silly issues, then be sure you are with a mentally unstable person and its time to reconsider your choice. Develop an ability to objectively evaluate the clues about the health of a relationship. Talking about it to a close friend of yours will enable you to avail a third person's perspective of the issue and can help a lot. It is easier to get clouded by the "romance" and be blinded to the coming storm of a breakup. But wisdom is in evaluating your situations and being proactive.
The last fight- How to discuss things out
Most of the times, there would be a last major issue that brings us to the climax of the affairs. The idea of " I want to end this relationship" forms the central theme at this stage. I must emphasize that if faced with this stage, your hopes of regaining the relationship must be as small as 1%. This is the phase when the other person is "tired of being with you" for whatever reasons they find appropriate. If they were unwilling to discuss issues out much before, its foolish to expect them to do so in this final phase. But, this gives you a golden chance: To put things on the table and identify the mistakes from your part. For the sake of your peace of mind and to settle things once and for all, ask the other person to list the reasons why they want to quit the relationship. This is your right. Only a selfish individual would state reasons like " I am not comfortable in it, I can't bear you anymore, you just keep hurting me" for their pulling out. If they do have a list of genuine reasons which on a little thought you find valid, then take note of them.
After you are convinced of your mistakes, you can suggest ways you would work on improving them if they are willing to give a second chance to the relationship. Remember not to propose unreasonable solutions to win your partner back. In the long run you would have the worst regret of all: not being true to yourself. If the other person is unwilling to give you a second chance even after you are willing to correct your mistakes, then assure yourself that all their statements about how much they valued you were as hollow as their ability to accept mistakes of another human being. Such partners would be a disaster in your life because they are incapable of seeing the greater commitment of a relationship and work through problems and prefer quitting the scene when things get mushy.
My friend once told me " If she is the one, she'l listen!". Since I don't believe in "the one" concept, I would rather adapt it as " If she values me and wants to be with me, she'l listen".
If the other person is willing to forgive you and is willing to take effort of discussing your problems in spite of the hurt that both have gone through, then he/she may be that one in a million gem of a person who has the maturity to understand the nature of relationships and the strength to forgive and accept. Have no second thoughts; this is the person who deserves all your best efforts to be their ideal partner.
The responsibility of failure of a relationship lies equally on both partners. Its never an angle-demon issue. Your partners' actions would have equally hurt you during the course of your relationship. During the process of discussion, be sure to communicate what exactly hurt you about your partners actions. Under no circumstance should you leave the scene without asserting your view points. Remember that there is a difference in being frank and being rude. Be kind during this process. If your partner blames you for everything and you convince yourself that everything was your fault, the regret that will lingers on will be eternally destructive. Save yourself some dignity and focus on the good things that you did in the relationship. Be happy that at least you were not the one who "gave up" on the relationship. Feel proud that you had the courage to accept your mistakes and promise on working them. You just qualified to be that one in a million gem of a person!
How to let it go gracefully
If your partner is unwilling to conduct a discussion and resolve the problem, then its time to pack your stuff in the suitcase of self esteem and board the bus of dignity and wave a hand of kindness as you leave. The first thing that you must realize is that what is over is over. Let this truth sink in. It might almost kill you to know that a person whom you trusted so deeply has left you mid way. You must have built dreams and aspirations together. All the good times might come flashing by. You might feel the fit of rage, disappointment, heartache,confusion, cheated and all forms of negative emotions. Understand that these are natural feelings and with effort can be handled well.
Here are some of the immediate things you must do to keep your sanity from slipping.
- Get some action: Go trekking, go cycling, go jogging, play a sport, hit the gym etc. Do an activity that you love that physically tires you out. Shower all your anger and frustration into this. As you let go of all the anger and resentment, you'l slowly learn to pick yourself up.
- Do not sit and contemplate on the issue anymore. You will end up getting more confused and hurt than actually learning your lessons. Save the contemplation for a later time.
- Sing out loud, cry, write but don't whine about your loss. Strength comes from having that extra bone in you to take whatever life throws at you.
- Talk to your loved ones. Discuss and dissect your pain. Ask for their opinion on the issue. Their love for you will comfort you with its kindness and understanding.
- Do not see your ex's photos, letters or anything that reminds you of him/her.Avoid situations in which you would meet him/her.
- Decide on whether you want to return their stuff or put it away for sometime. My personal advice is that, do not throw these stuff away. They are the remainders of a special person in your life. Show some respect for the feeling both of you once shared.
- Watch some inspirational movies. Listen to some inspirational music. Read an inspiring book.
- Sit down and vision your dreams about your life. How did you want it to be? How has it turned out? List out the reasons why you think that your ex would be a square peg in the round hole of your life.
- Under no circumstance should you think about another relationship to get over this one. That is more like "fighting for peace or screwing for virginity".
- Forgive your ex. Forgive yourself for making mistakes. Realize that life is about spiritual growth and if its smooth then you are not really learning anything.Forgiving them also sets you free from them. Go to that person and tell them that you wish he/she find peace and happiness. This will help you let them go from your life more gracefully.
- Do some soul searching. Write down your strengths and weakness. Write down your observations and conclusions about your current experience. This builds wisdom and over years this is the only tool that is going to keep you going through tough times.
- The last words that my first girlfriend told me when we were breaking up was " Sangeeth, time will heal all your hurts". In all these years, I have discovered how wise her words have turned out to be. Time is the greatest of all healers if you let it be.
- Do not take to alcoholism/drugs to ease out the pain. Strong people face pain and learn from it not find escapades from it.
This is not the end of your life
We all have a central theme to our life. A theme is that which we derive contentment and happiness from. It is what we wish we would be remembered for long after we are dead and buried. It could be an ideal like love, integrity, altruism etc or it could be a talent in science, arts, writing, travelling, singing, playing an instrument, painting, making movies or anything that give us that expressible joy in our hearts. I have come to belief that as a human being, the only lasting form of happiness is in pursuit of this theme and that the only person who is going to love you unconditionally, trust you more than anyone else, be with you through all your troubles is you. This realization is the beginning of an indestructible inner strength.
I recollect a particular quote by Will smith:
“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come and stay.”
Be the ideal that you search for. Be someone's perfect partner.
Smile...Let your life begin.
Author's note: You have a some valuable points that I missed out? Go ahead and share below.
Want to comment about my writing? Leave some here or mail me directly at
sangeethsimon2@gmail.com
